meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Randomize
