friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
