I cannot find my penis.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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