If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
