and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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