My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
