remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
