one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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