just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
