based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
