so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
