I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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