Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
