i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
