Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
