he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
