A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
