I haven't been this sober since birth.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
