make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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