My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
