I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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