I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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