Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
