Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Drunk is a universal language darling
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
