I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Randomize
