So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
