Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
