brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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