Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize