yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
