A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
