I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I intend to get homeless drunk
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
