i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
