my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
