If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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