A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
