Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Randomize
