Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
