I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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