the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He felt like a one man threesome
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
