I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
