There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
