im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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