You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
