You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize