I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
