Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
