I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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