I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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