Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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