I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
