I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
