When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
