In the future we'll all be gay
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize