Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
