Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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