I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
