Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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