you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
